Finish The Lines

Talking Tales is more than just listening to the performers and their stories. We want to pass on our joy to writing and so turn the tables on the audience and get them involved with Finish The Lines.

We choose our favourites from each event and post them below. The winner gets a Talking Tales badge on the night and if anyone takes one of these lines, writes a story with it that they perform at Talking Tales, then the Stokes Croft Writers will buy you a drink – a reasonable drink.. no pints of vodka, my dears.

24th October

Shortlisted:

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father always said to me… ‘The monsters under the bed – they are real. Sleep quietly and deeply or they will eat your toes clean off.’

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was… turbulent, obviously.

Bob loved… jelly ...but didn’t know how to… contain the wobble in his big, round belly.

Winners:

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father always said to me… ‘Son, get her on the pill. It feels better.’ (true story)

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was… my birthday and I was completely alone. Placing the 99 candles on my cake was a chore, but they burned bright.

Bob loved… pretending to be middle-class ...but didn’t know how to… put creme freche on a ordinary meal and deem it a ‘dish’.

 

17th August

Shortlisted:

It was late at night on a…Monday at the Leftbank…and Jeff was embarrassed that…he was being forced to enter a ‘finish the lines’ competition and everyone thought he was called Jeff.

I was only joking when I said I’d like to…deep fry whales; they are infinitely better when poached.

I was only joking when I said I’d like to…have my eyeballs gouged out with a recording of Cliff Richard and have them served to me en-casseroled in batter.

I was only joking when I said I’d like to…taxidermy my rabbit when she dies. I mean, it’s art, right?

If you want to view paradise then simply...don’t go to Weston super Mare.

Winners:

It was late at night on a…windswept and forlorn Wednesday…and Jeff was embarrassed that…his hair was parted to the left due to the wind when it’s usually parted to the right. Damn you natural elements!

If you want to view paradise then simply…take a bus to Braintree, Essex. Walk to the nearest WH Smith, ask for Barry. He will give you a small perspex egg cup. Take this calmly and place it in your left ear drum.

 

15th June

The Winner: Bob had been a Golden Retriever with a Match.com profile for 12 years and all he had to show for it was one date… the bitch.

Close Second: Martha didn’t know her but she was happy to receive her heart, not in love but literally her heart, not for a transplant but in a box, bought off the Silk Road, sold unwillingly, bought by a cannibal

Short-list:

Bob had been a slave for 12 years and all he had to show for it was a Hollywood film

Martha didn’t know her but she was happy to pretend she was Myra Hindley’s long lost sister if it got her on TV

Bob had been a monk for 12 years and all he had to show for it was a drafty haircut

The brilliant rest:

1. Bob had been a … for 12 years and all he had to show for it was …

Bob had been a writer for 12 years and all he had to show for it was a small badge (Boo!)

Bob had been a body-builder for 12 years and all he had to show for it was mis-shapen genitalia

Bob had been a psychiatrist for 12 years and all he had to show for it was 83 twisted minds

2. It is a truth universally accepted…

It is a truth universally accepted that every odd-numbered Star Trek film is shit

It is a truth universally accepted that the Earth is spinning at 1,000 miles an hour so why does it feel like I’m moving backwards.

3. Martha didn’t know her but she was happy to…

Martha didn’t know her but she was happy to wish her dead for cutting her up on the middle lane of the M25 outside Swindon

Martha didn’t know her but she was happy to steal her reserved seat on the 9.15am direct from Temple Meads to Paddington because she was an unconscionable prick.

 

13th April

1. Janet was worried about her throbbing…

Janet was worried about her throbbing heart palpatations. He was just too gorgeous.

Janet was worried about her throbbing labia.

Janet was worried about her throbbing, pulsating, hot casserole. It was to blow!

Janet was worried about her throbbing goldfish, which had fallen out of its bowl, in an attempt to commit suicide earlier that day.

Janet was worried about her throbbing, yet strangely stoic guinea pig.

Janet was worried about her throbbing aneurysm. It was causing aberrant signals in the synaptic nerve. Consequentially her thoughts and body movements were epileptic and garbled, respectively. Her pole vault event was surely in peril.

2. He only had 6 minutes to live but Clive…

He only had 6 minutes to live but Clive had Jamie’s 5 Minute Meals.

He only had 6 minutes to live but Clive could not decide on which cheese he preferred to die eating.

He only had 6 minutes to live but Clive jolted in horror at the realisation he had left the oven on.

He only had 6 minutes to live but Clive wished it was 4, so he could begin singing ‘4 Minute Warning’ by Mark Owen.

3. They call it the Leftbank because…

They call it the Leftbank because it’s actually a bank that people enjoy sitting and drinking in and the Bank Manager gave up trying to stop them. Its also ALWAYS on your left.

They call it the Leftbank because everyone has their one way of distancing themselves from UKIP.

And finally, a one that incorporated all three!

Janet was worried about her throbbing hand, which was aching and dripping with Clive’s blood. He only had 6 minutes to live but Clive spent them viciously punching Janet in the head. They call it the Leftbank because Janet and Clive made this their local. The regulars honoured them after retrieving their bodies from the left side of the Avon.

Happy writing!

 

 

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